I skipped yoga tonight. I know, I know... bad girl. But I really felt guided to go to church tonight instead. On the first Wednesday evening of each month, New Vision has intimate services in the chapel that are more like facilitated conversations. They call them "Musings with Michelle." People who wish to can share an issue or a question or a concern, and we talk through it as a group. It's neat. And I really needed it.
See, I've been dealing with a very painful interpersonal issue, and I just can't seem to let it go. I feel that someone who I considered myself pretty close to has betrayed me. I feel so betrayed, in fact, that I seriously doubt that this person ever had any regard for me at all. I can empathize with this person, and see intellectually how this situation occurred. I can see that this person behaves this way in many relationships, and that it's really not so much about me. I can release judgement and anger, and I can wish this person well in the future. But I can't seem to get past the hurt and sadness. I'm really, really sad about the whole situation.
So, what's a girl to do? In New Thought, we truly believe that the only thing you can control is what you are bringing to the table: your own thoughts, your own patterns, your own behaviors. (And there's no point wasting energy on things you can't control, right?) So, I hightailed myself on into church, plunked myself into the front row and shared my situation. You don't solve issues like this in one night, but you do start connecting the dots and asking the right questions bit by bit. Here's what we came up with.
1) When someone hurts you and you just can't let it go, it's usually bigger than that one person or that one situation. Who or What does this person represent for you? That disapproving parent? That overbearing sister? Is it your own inner-critic? What button is being pushed? What experience in your past does this feel like? When you can heal that bigger issue, this one will likely fade away. (For me, this person represents -- for good and for bad -- myself as a younger person. I definitely had my ideas of the way things should be and was very hard on anyone who did not meet my standards, including myself. I have forgiveness work to do on myself for choices I made back then. And I have appologies to make to those to whom I was unkind, like my ex-husband and a certain friend from my childhood.)
2) Maya Angelou gave Oprah Winfrey the most luscious advice: When someone shows you who they are believe them. Believe them the first time. "Honey, " she said, "They're showing you who they are. You just don't want to believe them!" If a person will tear down a friend to you, they will tear you down to someone else. They have shown you who they are. Believe them. If you don't, you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt.
3) Looking up the source for the above quote, (I believed you, Michelle. I just wanted the exact quote.) I found another fantastic bit of advice from Maya to Oprah. "We can't allow ourselves to get pecked to death by ducks." (I just love that. It sounds so southern!) "Some people don't have the nerve to just reach up and grab your throat, so they just take little pieces of you—with their rude comments. Some people don't have the courage to just walk up to you and pull the trigger. If somebody just walked up and said "Boom!"—well, there you go. Bye. But when a person commits these little murders, and then you catch him or her at it, he or she might say, "Oh, I didn't mean it." But make no mistake: It is an assassination attempt." And as we learned above (see #2), if this person will aim an unkindness at someone else, they will aim it at you. Don't allow it. Don't participate in it. Just say no to pecking ducks. (That would make a very confusing and hilarious t-shirt.)
So, I'm off to do some work on myself. Some forgiveness work for me. Some forgiveness work for others. And some owning of the ways I was complicit in my own undoing. And hopefully, at the end of all that, I'll be able to let go of the hurt and see this all for what it truly is: the gift of knowing I'll choose differently next time.Labels: forgiveness, healing, Lezli Goodwin, Maya Angelou, Michelle Medrano, New Thought, New Vision, Oprah Winfrey
